I cannot tell you how I feel inside, I cannot find any words to make you understand how it feels like losing your mom when you're 18. I cannot tell you how it is for my sister, my dad, my aunt, uncle and my grandmother. The loss of my mom is so massive, everything - EVERYTHING - is a direct reminder that she's not there anymore. Lots of people were shocked, we had lots of support from them too. I feel thankful for that. People also say she's happy now, she has found peace now. I don't really believe this because she didn't want to go, she wanted to fight, she had so many plans for the future. It is really unfair.
The hardest part is the fact that life goes on and everybody wants you to do the same. It is not done to lay in bed all day because everyone will tell you; "Don't let yourself go, you should stay strong and move on." I seriously want to slap all those people in the face because I cannot move on, I cannot live without my mom. Don't they get it? That day she passed away, my life ended too. I'm not living anymore, just barely existing. I have become comfortably numb (Pink Floyd quote, big fan). But on the other hand, you can't be too happy because people will judge you. This has really happened! My sister was walking to school when an older woman stopped her on the street. She asked if Azina (my sister) was the daughter from Mireille (my mom) and she replied with yes. The woman said the following thing to her; "Aren't you ashamed, your mom just passed away and you're looking so happy!" Azina just kept going, she kind of ignored the woman but those things leave their trace, she is now more grumpy, afraid to get that comment again I suppose. I hope this lady won't run into me because I might just slap her or something.
Everybody has changed in how they approach me now, they do it carefully, sometimes they don't know what to say. Others can't even look me in the eyes, they just smile real quick and look away. But I don't want people to think that they should be careful around me. I'm the same person to everyone on the outside, I don't show how I feel. I feel so bad, I can't even tell you how bad. Every night I don't want to go to sleep w-because I know the next day will not be different from today's. I have developed some anxieties now too, like I'm afraid to be alone. Also afraid of the future, afraid of life, afraid that everyone around me is going to die really soon. That last one would be thantophobia. There's this huge emptiness, black hole, I don't know, which I can't seem to place somewhere. Like a shadow following me everywhere. I know when you read this you might think I need help, which is true and I absolutely am getting help. But I don't know if it will help me because I feel like nothing will get better.
My body feels so strange too. This is so hard to explain but I will try.
When you're working on a machine but you can't seem to find/fix the problem, you start doing everything you possibly think could help. But when you can't, you feel like you've ran out of options, you're standing in front of this huge wall which you can't get around and you can feel this emotionally but also physically. Your body starts to feel sick, it wants to make movements but it can't figure out which. Are you still following? Now that is what I constantly feel, my machine is time and I want to fix time because I want the time where my mom is still with me. I can't change time, or fix time so my body feels like it wants to do things constantly but it doesn't know what. I makes me feel sick all the time. This is how the loss of my mom has felt since the very first second I've received the news. My body wants to go backward in time and my mind is trying to force that, tries to manipulate things as in magic and stuff. It's exhausting really.
I hope no one has to deal with a loss like this but I know there are people like me, who face the same things. If you are, you can always contact me on my mail: sinittaleunen@gmail.com. I will help people in any way that I can, don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk.
Love, Sinitta
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