My mom has been getting radiation treatment for a week and a half now, she only has 3 days more to go and after that she starts with chemo. I accompanied her to the hospital today to get her treatment (she's home since yesterday) and as we walked through the hospital, I felt a cold chill hit my body. We were in the basement in a long corridor, all grey and their hung a sign on the ceiling: "nuclear treatment". I felt so scared, I don't really know why.. It's so odd that something like that is used to heal people, it devastates so much. I felt scared for my mom, because she was getting chemo next week. It's a little the same, I guess, that's radioactive too. I guess my mom must feel like that too when she has to go through that part of the hospital, maybe I felt her fear. We have a really strong connection, I'm the one who is kind of getting her through this. She tells me all the time how I'm her rock in the ocean. We recently did get some good news, the cancer did not spread out but still she'll have it for the rest of her life. I just hope, really hope, that she'll never say: "why still go in treatment when I'll have this forever?". At this point she doesn't know that she'll have it forever, because off her depressive nature doctors decided not to tell her that. But they'll have to tell her some day, she has to know. And what then? Will she keep on fighting? Or will the depression kick in and she falls in a black hole?
I miss my mom the way she was, I hope she will be like that again one day. She always wanted to go out, take the car and drive somewhere. To a mall, to a nearby city, it didn't matter. As long as she didn't have to stay inside all day when she could go outside, everything was fine for her. She smiled when she had good days, when the depression had faded a bit. I really cherish these moments, hopefully we'll have more moments like that.
I would pray if I believed in God or anything, but I don't. I can't believe in something like a god or something in a world full with awful things like cancer, depression, murder, suicide,... My mind doesn't allow me to believe in something so good - as everyone claims - when I might lose my mom. It's life and life is not intervened by something, no god, nothing. But if there was one, a god, wouldn't he try to do something to save people? To save my mom? And if there were angels, would they gather around now and protect her? I kind of hope so, I don't know.
Love, Sinitta
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