I went to visit my mom again today, I go every day and it was a little sadder than normal. Tomorrow she has to go to a nearby hospital for a treatment with radiation and she's really scared, she cries a lot. I wish I could carry her pain for her and take away all her fears, because I really would if I could. I sometimes look at her, lying there in her bed, skinny yet a bit blown up in her face and I have to look real good to recognize my mom. I don't know her like this, she has always been such a strong woman and now I can see her hopes fade away in the way she smiles. Her smile isn't really lit up anymore, she just smiles because she thinks she has to but if nobody's around, I don't think she'll smile. It hurts deep down inside to see her slip away, feel her slip away and there's nothing in the world I can do to stop it. Although she doesn't has any hope left, I keep encouraging her to keep on fighting because that's all I can do. I guess it helps a little. She lights up a little when I tell her I'll be there for her, that I'll never leave her side. Right now, I pray she keeps calm tomorrow during the radiation, that she won't panic and that she trusts a little in the treatment.
But still, I'm very scared..
Sinitta
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